A few weeks ago, as I was responding to my friend via email, my thoughts on her question, Is there a point?, my phone chimed alerting me to a new email in my inbox.
And there it was, an email about a hallway, lined with doors that were marked with either a Q or an A.
Questions or answers, which do you seek?
I was befuddled. Was the timing of the email purely coincidence?
Do things really happen for a reason?
I imagined myself in that very hallway standing between the two doors having to make a choice.
The Q and the A engraved onto the outsides, tracing the outline of the letters with my finger, feeling the weight of the wood and my decision.
I reach to touch the handle of the A door because everyone wants answers right?
With answers I think I would feel happy, full of comfort and understanding at last, right?
Maybe I would feel content or would I still be unsatisfied?
Then I stop, realizing there is a choice to make but why is there even a choice?
Q or A?
Answers fill you, Questions open you.(John Basil, Will Power)
It brought back a saying I remember hearing my parents say and that I’ve used a time or two in my lifetime,
“Don’t answer a question with a question”.
Why shouldn’t we?
Questions are good, without the answers to go with them they open us, they get us to explore our minds, our hearts, our soul.
When did I become so focused on wanting only answers?
Children go through a phase, where they are inquisitive and ask a hundred questions a day and when you answer them they immediately ask an even bigger question. They are an endless sea of questions.
Some where along the way our inquisitive nature gets overcome by our search for answers.
Do we already have the answers and it’s really all about asking the right questions?
Maybe it’s really about feeling satisfied at the end of the day.
Answers make us feel like we’ve accomplished something because it’s something marked with a period.
But perhaps asking questions can give us a similar feeling.
There is no end to them just a continued ever expanding hallway of doors and rooms beyond to explore.
Questions or answers?
Which door would you open?
On our way back home from the library I asked Aidan if he thought it would be a good idea to stop at Tim Horton’s for a coffee for Mommy and a snack for him.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!” he screeched from the back seat.
I got a 10 pack of timbits for Aidan and Jacek to share, figuring they would have a few today and the rest tomorrow morning.
I passed the box of timbits behind me to Aidan and told him that he could have 3.
Before heading home I looked back at him and held up 3 fingers, “Aidan, only eat 3 okay?”
He held up 3 fingers, “OKAY!”
Fairly close to home he declares that he’s “all done” and hands the box back up to me.
“Aidan! You ate 5! I said you could only eat 3!”
“Oh…..”
“Did you forget how many 3 was?” I said, holding 3 fingers up again for him to see.
Silence.
“Aidan?”
“Aidan, are you going to say anything about eating 5 instead of 3?”
“Um..I think my fingers don’t know how to count.”
A friend of mine recently asked me if I believed there was a point to this life.
“Do you feel like there is a point? Do you have a purpose?”
It was asked during and again after a pretty major personal conflict.
When I first responded my words came quickly.
Since then those two questions have been swimming all over my thoughts.
Questions of this magnitude are owed the contemplation.
So I will eventually write more.
For now, here are my initial thoughts.
—–
“Yes I do feel there is a point to living but unfortunately I can not present it to you as a grand plan or a greater purpose type of idea.
I am spiritual not religious. I do not believe that when we die there is something greater then what we already have waiting for us (in life).
I’m almost certain that when we die we are just no longer living. Dead. Sometimes stuff happens that makes me think maybe there is another “side” to life but I have no proof besides feelings to support that thought.
I can more easily tell you what my purpose is NOT then I can tell you what it is.
Sometimes I think that maybe we won’t realize our actual purpose until we lay in our coffins at our own funerals and our loved ones speak about us and how we did actually matter and why.
That’s why I like funerals. Because even though they are sad and final it sheds light on the purpose of that persons life. I think some would call that, perspective.
So, I think about life from a backwards point of view. I am dead. It is my funeral. Who has the courage and the strength to get up before my family and friends and acquaintances to share a memory about me? What would they say?
Our purpose in life may not be for us to determine or to strive towards. It may just be something that happens along the way. We may never know what it was because no one gushes on and on about one another until they are dead, and they are gone, and it’s too late to say, “Hey, thank you for never giving up on me. You really made me think I could do these impossible things. You really helped me stand up for myself and use the voice I never realized I had. You really changed my life.”
I try to live my life keeping that perspective. I want random people that I may have forgotten over the years to show up to my funeral and gush to my family that I said something or did something, wrote something, sang something that stuck with them, maybe changed them, helped them, etc.
I want to make people smile, laugh and have fun. I want to be memorable. Sometimes I only feel forgettable.
—
We are taught as teenagers to believe that it doesn’t matter what other people think about you but as we get older I think that’s a total crock of shit.
It does matter what other people think about you. It does matter how you make other people feel.
I think my purpose has a whole lot more to do with “them” then it does with me.“
Grandpa,
After 15 years without you I was thinking today might feel more like just April 23rd but I was wrong.
Time is never going to change that today is the day you died.
I’m writing because you have been around me lately and I’m trying to figure out why.
It worries me because I don’t think you would linger if you were just saying hello.
You would only be staying for “a little bit” if you had something you wanted to chat about..
So, there’s that and there’s also the fact that it’s been snowing today which would have completely pissed you off, making you shake your head in disbelief as you watched the heavy snow crush your newly pruned bushes.
“I just mowed the lawn yesterday, isn’t this something?”
“Can you believe it?”
“Snow in April”
It makes me miss you all the more, this random spring snow, because you would have been enlightening us with your witty-isms chosen especially to express your disdain. You were always colorful when you were upset and so beautifully inappropriate.
I like to believe I got a little bit of my own rainbow from you.
You have been here and there and all around these last few weeks. Mentally, I’ve been struggling a little bit so maybe you’re hanging around to make sure I’m riding it out okay.
Fifteen years ago I had no idea who I was or what I wanted and when I complained you used to tell me to “just figure things out”.
You also tried to convince me to always carry a wooden bat around with me because, as you said, you could never be certain if someone was just walking behind you or if they were following you.
Perfectly sound advice.
There are always long stretches of time when I feel I have “just figured things out” but they are often chased by albeit brief, moments of feeling like I have entirely no idea if what I am doing is really want I want to be doing.
For weeks now I’ve wanted to write a final post and to take a break from my blog but your presence or whatever it is I have been feeling kept me from doing it.
Then today I felt urged to write for you and as soon as I started this letter I realized how incredibly off balance I had become from and with my writing.
Disconnected.
And the realization made me miss you and words terribly.
So, I cried a lot today, today the day you died 15 years ago and I wrote some words for you.
At dinner I told the boys that I was missing you, my Grandpa.
Jacek said he thinks you watch us and that it must make you happy to see us smile.
“He watches us Mommy. They all do.”
I love you Grand-pea and I hear you loud and clear.
“Just figure things out.”
I will do just that.
With all my love,
Your Granddaughter
Kerri-Lynn
One of my favorite parts of being a Mom to my two little rowdy boys is sharing with them, pieces of nostalgia from my own childhood.
I was raised in a fairly religion bare home so Easter was not often about anything else but the Easter Bunny. The only thing I did religiously around Easter time was wait anxiously for the Peter Cottontail special to come on TV.
It has been years since I have seen it but thanks to Classic Media I received a free copy of the remastered classic to enjoy all over again while I watched it with my boys.
They are not often quiet for long but they sat and became engrossed (and laughed out loud, which I absolutely love) by this classic tale of Peter Cottontail as he finds his way to being #1 Chief Easter Bunny in April Valley.
Knowing they were finding joy in the very same thing I had years ago was exactly what I needed after returning home from a week away from their little faces.
Here Comes Peter Cottontail on DVD presents the original television classic which has been remastered in high definition. The picture quality is crisp but the original charm of the classic is still there as well.
The celebrated classic TV special, Here Comes Peter Cottontail, told and sung by Danny Kaye with the voice talent of Vincent Price as Irontail, continues to remain an iconic and fun Easter”tail” classic loved by all!
About Here Comes Peter Cottontail
Peter Cottontail wants to be the #1 Chief Easter Bunny and everyone in April Valley agrees…except for his arch rival, evil Irontail. Hop along with Peter and his friends as they race through time celebrating all of your favorite holidays to deliver the most eggs…and save Easter for children everywhere!
You can purchase Here Comes Peter Cottontail on DVD at major retailers or online at Amazon for under $10.00!
Purchase Here Comes Peter Cottontail: The Original TV Classic [Remastered]
on DVD.
*Currently available for $9.95 SRP
Disclosure: I was given a copy of of the DVD from representing PR agency. The opinions and information expressed here are my own and may be different from yours. No other form of compensation was received
Jacek’s
STAR WARS BIRTHDAY PARTY
drink and candy station
complete with Yoda Soda, Jedi Juice and Vaderade
Swedish Fish, Almond Joy pieces, Cookies & Cream Kisses and Whoppers
Storm Trooper Cheese Head
2 packages of Neufchatel, 1 packet of dry ranch dressing mix and a cup or so of shredded monterey jack cheddar cheese mix.
Black olives were used for the mask detail
Yoda-dilla: Spinach wraps, sour cream, shredded chicken and sharp cheddar cheese
Black olives for the eyes
Darth Vader Taters: Simple as a bag of Tater Tots
Sweet & Salty Sabers : pretzel rods wrapped in strawberry fruit roll up; so yummy
Yoda Soda: Cream Soda and Strawberry Crush
Jedi Juice: Capri Sun
Decorated by hand Darth Maul Cake
*Not pictured*
Jar Jar Links in a Blanket: Turkey dog pieces wrapped in crescent rolls
Home made Happy Birthday Jacek banner(s)
Theme colors were red, black and light blue
Birthday Interview with Jacek Robert
Jacek turned 6 on March 12.
Questions asked on March 13, 2012
Jaceks answers are in GREEN*
———————————————————-
Hi there.
What is your name? Jacek
If you could change your name, what name would you pick? Jupiter, no…ah ah, yeah Jupiter
Why Jupiter? Because you almost called me Jupiter.
How old are you? 5, I mean 6!!
Are you excited about being 6? YESSSSS!
Why? Cause I get to do new things that when I was 5 I couldn’t do.
Like What? Uh, eat Bubble Gum and get a watch
(I let him try bubble gum on his birthday, he spit it out after 2 chews)
What is your favorite:
cereal – cinnamon cereal
vegetable – I don’t really have a favorite.
drink – Apple Juice
toy – My DARTH MAUL LIGHT SABER
TV Show – I don’t have a favorite
game - Uh, the new football Wii game
book – Winnie The Pooh I spy book
restaurant – Mcdonalds
holiday -Christmas, no my birthday. (giggling)
What do you like about Christmas? How many presents I get.
From who? Santa
animal – Cheetah
What do you like most about yourself? Myself? Um, that I’m very tall
Why? Cause I can do new things
Like what? Um, play basketball
What is your favorite thing to do? Play the Wii.
What is something you DON’T like to do? I don’t like to do? Me don’t like to stay inside.
What do you dream about? Star Wars
Is that scary? The one I’m dreaming about, yes. Cause Darth Maul doesn’t get killed
What do you want to be when you are a grown up? A football player
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Africa
What would you do there? I would watch for kangaroos or something.
What do you like most about Mommy? You sometimes let me play the Wii
How old is Mommy? 34
What is something Mom always says to you? That you love me
How do you know your mom loves you? Hug and kiss
What makes mom happy? Me hugging you
What makes mom sad? When I don’t hug you
How does your mom make you laugh? When you do silly jokes
What is your moms favorite thing to do? Go to Kango
What is your mom really good at? Running
What is your mom not very good at? Playing basketball. I can beat you up if we played.
What does your mom do for her job? Work. Work for money.
But what are my jobs? I don’t know what it’s called
What makes you proud of your mom? When you hug me
What do you and your mom do together? Go on dates sometimes
Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? I don’t know. Kango? Stores? MCC?
What does Mommy do while you’re at school? I don’t know cause I’m not there
What do you like most about Daddy? He plays with me.
How old is your Daddy? 36
What is your Dad’s favorite food? I don’t know. Pasta?
How are you and your Dad the same? Our feet are both big
How are you and your Dad different? Our hair. He trims his and I don’t trim mine
What is Daddy’s favorite sport? Football…no Basketball, basketball!
How strong is Daddy? Verrrry strong
How do you know when Daddy is proud of you? “You’re doing a good job!”
What do you like most about Aidan? He plays with me!!
What do you like to do with Aidan? play light sabers
When you get really silly you: LAUGH!!
What do you like to eat for lunch at school? Pizza
What do you wish we did more of? Played the Wii
What do you think is above the stars in the sky? the sun, the moon, I don’t know, clouds?
Name two things you want us to do as a family on the weekend
go to Kango and go to Kango
Two different things…
Kango and Play the Wii
What is one new thing you’d like to try this year? Football
What are you wishing for this year? To play that football game on the Wii
You can find Jacek’s interview from last year, HERE
and the previous year, HERE.
Dear Jacek,
The night before your birthday when I was tucking you in bed I was joking about having to say good-bye to the “five-year old Jacek”. You insisted that you’d still be the same boy when you woke, just six instead of five. I teased I would miss the “five-year old Jacek” and you rolled your eyes at me.
The thing is, you aren’t the same little boy you were last year and that “five-year old Jacek” really was gone when you woke up on your birthday morning.
You are now a six year old boy with your own agenda who is becoming increasingly independent and driven.
Kindergarten has been so good for you.
I love going in and spending time with you and your friends.
You are truly in your element there and your teacher always praises you, which I can’t get enough of.
I love observing you and witnessing your natural leadership because it is so incredible.
At home you still are willing to help out but have begun to share your opinion when asked to do something you’re not particularly fond of.
This isn’t very helpful to Mommy but I secretly enjoy the fuss you make over things being boring, “not fair” or something you just don’t want to do.
You are beginning to find your voice and that makes me incredibly happy and proud.
It shows me how assertive, honest and stubborn you are.
Knowing that you will speak up for yourself and voice your opinion helps me feel a little more secure sending you out on your own every day.
Good thing you are also sweet and thoughtful though because this newly found assertiveness tires me out!
I am sure you are thinking something along the lines of, turning six is so much better then five which is so very true from your perspective and I want you to enjoy every minute.
From my perspective though, six just seems so much older then five.
My Munchkin Man is not so munchkin any more.
Everything inside you is changing and I see those changes every day in how you act, react, behave, listen, rebel, talk, play and look.
You are curious and hungry for knowledge (and food, you never stop eating!).
At times your world is all you seem to know and the only place you want to be but sometimes you share it with me.
I think you realize it doesn’t always make sense to me but you still share it anyways.
You are generous like that.
You’re learning all about yourself, what you like, how you think, what’s right or wrong, what feels good, what doesn’t; you are so busy.
You amaze, frustrate and inspire me..sometimes all at once.
My advice to you today, on your sixth birthday is to keep asking questions, especially the ones that everyone else is afraid to for those are the ones we really need answers to.
Keep your heart open and always listen to me, okay?
Even if you don’t always do what I ask or completely understand, please just listen.
I promise you the very same.
Happy Birthday my boy.
With all my love and more.
Mom.
This is Saturday Share.
A post about us, what we’ve been up to and sometimes (when I don’t suck)pictures….
Jacek was still sick on Tuesday morning so I finally called and made a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t think anything serious was going on but because I was becoming frustrated with the lingering low grade fever I caved and took him in.
As figured, we were sent back home with the diagnosis of a viral infection, has to work itself out, 7-14 days, blah blah blah. I asked the doc how she felt about sending Jacek to school with a low grade fever, 99.5. She said and I quote, “Ship him off…it’s where he got the germs from anyway.”
So I did, shipped him off on Wednesday morning. He didn’t have a fever when he woke and I told him to listen to his body through out the day and to go to the nurse if he was feeling really tired or headach-y. He stayed all day and by Thursday was back to “normal”.
On Tuesday Aidan got to go to school with the 4 year old class while I attended a presention about the future of the community center where he attends school. Afterwards him and his fellow classmates along with the older class came in to sing three songs for us. Aidan stood with his arms crossed and up over his mouth for the first two then his teacher finally coaxed him into moving closer to her and he sang a bit of the third song. When it was over he told me he didn’t sing because he didn’t want anyone to see him.
The community center also provided pizza for us all. Aidan refused to sit anywhere near someone else so we sat in the middle of the room away from everyone. When the other kids were finished eating they started running around the room and that upset Aidan, who kept telling me, “Those kids are very naughty”.
When he was done with his pizza I asked him what he wanted to do, thinking he might want to join in with the other kids for a bit. He asked to go home. So we left.
Darren and I celebrated our 9th Anniversary on Thursday with a wonderful night out, a dozen roses for me, a leather cuff for him, dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and a few hours spent painting a ceramic heart shaped candy dish at Color Me Mine.
I need to take pictures because “leather cuff” sounds odd without a picture to clear up confusion.
The rest of the week was spent getting ready for Jacek’s birthday weekend. Today we are celebrating in Star Wars fashion with family. Tomorrow we will be going to Kango to bounce it out and run around, eat pizza and get super tired. I gave all the friends in his kindergarten class a little letter saying that while I couldn’t afford to pay for them to go to Kango they were welcome to join us there to play together. I have no idea how many or if any will show.
As of Friday I no longer have a “morning job” which is freeing and frustrating at the same time. The reason why I no longer have the job was out of my control and unfortunate for everyone involved.
We also found out that Aidan might not being going to school, full day or at all, come this fall. Issues with the school budget is to blame and it sounds like the Universal Pre-K program is one that might be cut out.
Changes are looming.
Spring is near.
My trip to Virginia is 18 days away which means the 10k is in 21.
Excited.
Dear Darren,
For the last few days I’ve been stressing and today I think I’ve finally had enough.
Your probably not going to like what I’m about to tell you but in an attempt to be an honest communicator I have to.
Ever since March 2006 things just haven’t been the same.
Someone has taken our spotlight and while I love him to itty bitty pieces something needs to change.
We had exactly 2 years to celebrate our anniversary without having to share the week with the birthday of Jacek.
Our first anniversary was spent in wonderful New York City with a quick stop in Boston to catch a Celtics game, we had a blast, didn’t we?
We busted through toll booths convinced we were going to get arrested, missed our subway train because I have a big mouth, got strangled by toilet paper at The Blue Men group, made an appearance on the Today Show, shopped our little behinds off, and ate in some fun and super crowded dining establishments.
Our 2nd Anniversary came no where close to the first. We were living with my parents at the time, right?
Then our wonderful first born came along just days before our 3rd Anniversary. I am not complaining. You could not have gotten my present that year any more correct! He was exactly what I wanted and I am so thankful he came into our lives and made us a family.
Now though he steals all our thunder doesn’t he?
So, this is what I think we should do.
After this year we wipe our slate clean and start over.
You pick out another ring (but much more bling-i-fied) and since you already had a practice run at it locally, this time you can whisk me away to another country to propose.
Then I will spend the next several months attending bridal shows and gushing over the sparkly blingy-ness that is my new ring.
I will scour Pinterest for hours and days on end looking for and researching lavish wedding ideas.
I will pick out a wedding gown (actually I already found a gorgeous light blue wedding gown that I adore).
You can find a tuxedo. This one comes with a mask. Hot, right?
My my, times have changed.
We’ll set the date for June 8, 2013, which is a Saturday and that way we’ll be 3 months away from Jacek’s birthday and 2 months away from Aidan’s.
Then maybe we won’t feel so rushed when it’s time to celebrate our anniversary.
Who am I kidding?
Planning another wedding would be kind of fun, as long as you still showed up to marry me but our anniversary will probably always take the back seat to things like our boy’s birthday.
I guess what’s important is knowing that I would totally marry you again.
Even with that crazy freaky mask thing, I would do it all over again, because I know how good it is underneath.
Happy 9 years babe!
Love8,
Me
