With Shell
and participating in my first Writer’s Workshop with Mama Kat
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I searched for you on facebook. It took me awhile to find you but I’m resilient and I did.
I never requested you as a friend opting instead for the lurking/stalking approach.
I can’t see much, on your profile that is, just the stuff I already know.
Eventually I stopped stalking it but from time to time you would pop into my head.
I couldn’t help it, you were a part of so many of my best memories.
Then the other day there was a wedding show on TV. They were discussing maid/matron of honors, how they are normally the best of the best and that they are friends that last, based in part that their face is found in many a photograph capturing the days leading up to and including the big day.
I facebooked you again that second, your profile coming up alarmingly fast and almost as quickly I directed the arrow of the mouse to “Add as Friend”.
There was hesitation though and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t click on that button.
You were my friend once already, I thought to myself.
For years you were my friend, Best friend.
You were my maid of honor and you had asked me to be yours.
I thought we were the kind of friends that would always be, no matter what
but that was before the words. Four years ago there were words and they still linger in the air like exhaust from a big grumbling garbage truck switching gears.
The air has never been cleared.
I heard you had a baby, the baby you were so worried about not being able to have one day.
I was so happy for you, found your baby registry, considered sending you a gift with a card
but I eventually decided the words were not mine to speak.
I thought you might contact Me, that perhaps now with the understanding of the demands of a child, the sleepless nights, the tears shed without real reason, the emotional stress of the first 3 months, you might feel remorse for the ill chosen words you vomited upon my matron of honor dress the day I left my barely 3 month old child with my parents so that I could stand beside you on your wedding day.
My swollen breasts and the dark circles under my eyes gave me away. I was a new mother.
Yet you, the bride deserved her day. And I tried my damndest to do everything I could for you.
During the months leading up to the big day I came into financial hardship. I sent you an email confiding in you, my friend, that I was embarrassed, ashamed and scared that all this was happening. I told you I was unsure of what I could afford as far as throwing you a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. I was so uncomfortable with the entire situation and felt neglectful of you.
You wrote me back to say you were so upset that I would put this burden on you.
How dare I.
I drove out to meet you the morning of the wedding and found myself sharing you with a woman I had barely met.
You made it perfectly clear that she was the one that should have been standing at your side.
I did my best and at the time it wasn’t much but I tried. I tried to be your friend. I tried to hang on.
That woman, she stole my role and you let her. I gave in and let her take it.
At the wedding reception you came to me and asked me where the throw away bouquet was.
You intended to present it to her, you explained, because she was the one who really deserved it.
I set my matron of honor bouquet in the middle of a table and walked away.
I went to pick up my baby.
You went on your honeymoon.
I drove to your house an hour away from mine to drop off the wedding video we had recorded for you.
I left it in your mailbox relieved that there was no face to face.
We emailed a few times after but then you were gone.
I let you go because there was nothing else to choose.
Your son is the same age as my second son. I wish I knew him.
I wish I could see you as a Mom.
I heard you asked that woman that took my role to be his Godmother.
That stung.
I thought I would always know you, had hoped our children would some day play together.
It could have happened that way but life is funny sometimes, throwing us curve balls we never see coming.
If you initiated contact and asked for my forgiveness I would give it to you
but it would be more so that I might finally forget the hate and the strength behind the words that I
hear echoing in my mind still…
“She’s the one that deserves it.”
Maybe, you deserve each other and I’m the lucky one?
I don’t know.
But, if you asked me to forgive you. I would.
39 Responses to “Just ask”
You are so very sweet and loving to be able to forgive like that. Maybe you should push that button.
I haven't forgiven her really. I would if she asked me to. I understand I'm holding onto a grudge but those words hit be below the belt during a time when my world felt like it might be crumbling. I probably won't push that button but who knows. Someday it finally might
I could totally relate to this. I had a major blowout with a friend last year. Of course, I blogged about it. And, that made it uglier. After months of doing everything together suddenly we didn't talk at all, and it was hard. I heard from other people what was going on, and tried to act like I didn't care, but I did. We should have been sharing those times together. Good friends are like family, they say things they don't mean because they are comfortable enough to think you'll still be there. My friend and I made up, and while it's not the same, at least the healing has begun. Push the button, it may at least, add some closure.
I've never had to experience the falling out of a relationship with a best friend. Maybe you should "friend" her and see what happens. By now, hopefully, she'll have grown up like you a bit and let the past stay in the past.
You are brave to put this out there.
Break-ups with friends are always tough, but this one sounds especially ugly. It's possible to let it go, so that it doesn't burden you, without waiting for her to ask forgiveness.
It's hard to know what to do: Sometimes we need to take the first step, even when the conflict wasn't our fault. It could backfire, but sometimes it's necessary for our own healing.
Wow! That must've been heart wrenching! Even though you replied to someone else that you haven't really forgiven her, you are on the road because you got it off your chest. It'll make you feel better if you can forgive her. You don't have to forget. But just like you were doing the best that you could with what you had, maybe she was doing the best she could do with what she had…which maybe wasn't enough emotional aptitude to handle the situation in a better way. She was immature. She probably realizes that now.
At any rate, don't hang on to the anger…it just feels awful…and you probably don't want to feel awful.
Oh that's so sad when such a good frienship ends wish such harsh words and unforgiveness. I just wonder if someone reacts like that to something so sincere are they really a true friend??
This is completely against what I would normally say, BUT having been close to the situation I can truly say…..DO NOT press the button. If anyone should be pressing the button it's her. What friendship means/meant to her were revealed during that time, and it was ugly. Incredibly unfortunate, but ugly. “Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.”……enough said.
Always after it happens, and the sting has subsided, it almost seems that losing a friend wasn't worth it. But the hurt stays as a reminder. I hope that one day she asks for forgiveness, and that you can work it out. Good friends are hard to find, and sometimes we all make mistakes.
This is an amazing post and it touched my heart.
It is so sad when these times that should be joyful turn into something like this. Sigh.
Well-written, though. I practically started bawling here at my desk.
So sorry this is going on!! Disagreements with friends are very tough!!
So I'm sure you've had people tell you she really wasn't that good of a friend in the first place if she couldn't see past her "it's all about me" wedding bliss to at least understand and appreciate where you were coming from and how hard it was for you.
Coming from the stand point of someone who has had a falling off of a "best" friend but has NO IDEA why . . . at least you know why and you know you did nothing wrong. I agree with others that she should be the one to initiate any kind of renewal but would you feel better if you at least tried and if she did not accept the olive branch then you know for sure . . . move on with your own life unencumbered with what ifs.
I hear you and now I'm wondering myself if I should try – one more time. {sigh}
I am so sorry you went through this. Its so heart breaking when friendships fall apart ….and hopefully she realizes what she did. I have had to deal with similar situations a few times and finally decided I just needed to move on. Love this post. Adding you to my Friday Favorites {stop by on Friday!}.
That's heartbreaking. I can't believe she behaved like that. I would totally understand if you never pushed the button. I think it's good that you'd forgive her if she asked, though, because people make big mistakes sometimes and need that forgiveness. If she doesn't make the effort, though…
I think I agree with the prince yet again…she was down right rude and hurtful, not only to you, but others close to you…she needs a wake up call…I would leave it alone. This post alone had to have been somewhat healing for you…she is the one who needs to push the button…sorry.
Ahh sweet Kerri,
It sounds like the pain of this, and of holding onto the anger, is hurting YOU. I hope you can choose to forgive her, even if she doesn't ask, and just let her go.
Wow Kerri…I can feel your pain in the words. I loved your style!
oh situations like this make me cringe…I have been there. Had those same thoughts. Actually last night I did. I miss her friendship but our lives changed and we were unable to adapt to each others changes. I still hold anger towards the whole situation. My heart goes out to you…very brave post!
I got chills reading this. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It's so sad when someone you think is a friend hurts you like this. I have a story sort of like this- though mine decided a month before my wedding that she would not be a part of it because she did not agree with my life and didn't know me any more(I didn't do anything crazy, other than move away).
It hurt. I did try to reach out, but too much time and bad feelings are between us and it's not worth it.
Thanks for linking up.
I think that's what gets me the most…I want her to want to move on instead of just me wanting it. I want her to push the button and make the first step.
Thanks Katie. I feel better writing it out. I have no idea if she's ever searched for me on facebook or if she has found my blog. Either way…I guess things are just going to stay the same. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me
Thank you Melissa
In my heart I have forgiven but I still want her to acknowledge what she said to me. I would be willing to move on if she was willing to make an effort. I doubt she ever thinks about it.
Thanks for your words and support!
She was a good friend but her priorities got messed up and somehow I ended up on the unimportant end.
I love you.
Thank you Natalie. I knew I had to write it as soon as I saw the prompt over at Mama Kats. It was time I got it out in words. I feel better. I agree, good friends are very hard to find.
Thank you so much Adrienne. I take that as a huge compliment coming from you!
thank you
i'm really torn on it. I don't want to be the one to make the effort first and I know that probably sounds horrible but I feel that if she is truly sorry she will approach me. I'm sorry you're dealing with similar things. They aren't very fun.
I hope she realizes but I don't think it impacted her the same way. Thank you for adding me to your Friday favorites! I will be stopping by.
Exactly, it has a lot to do with EFFORT! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it
I agree Sista, I agree.
I shall, I shall
Thanks Tammy….
I think that's a big part. I miss the friendship. It wasn't all terrific but we had so much together….so many of my favorite memories were with her in them….my goodness she was a huge part of my wedding day. But, things change, right?
Thanks Shell!!
No One should treat a friend that way under any circumstances…I may be the only one to say it but you are probably better off ….She sounds like the kind who can be a real user and abuser of kindness…You are awesome and the loss is hers ~ As long as you have forgiven her in your heart and let it be I say never click that button
Sorry I have been MIA for awhile,, before I finish my posts that I have been lazy about writing, I'm going to read your blog till I'm all caught up!
I'm really pissed at your friend for that attitude about not being able to pay for her shower. I 100% can feel your hurt and I do this too with some of 'what I call',, my non-friends.. People who I wish could be the best versions of themselves instead of the worst. People who I've seen the best in but they choose to not let it out anymore
. I still feel hurt and I still read their FB pages and I still get angry at myself for doing that but its a part of what made you you.
and this is what I think is the big message…
Because of her hurtful actions, you are a better and more loving mom and friend to those who you care about… and while they may hurt you and you may hurt them,, having been hurt, you will try:)
And I also believe that people are in our past for a reason and that we don't have to fight to put them in our future , if its meant to be it will work itself out.
Loved this article, I featured you on my Friday Favorites!!!