At first it wasn’t hard because I promised myself I would not get emotional.
That lasted all about 6 hours.
In the quiet of my office, sitting at the laptop waiting for the right words to come to me I realized I wasn’t doing a very good job of not letting it bother me.
Words do not work for me when they aren’t the ones my heart is telling me I need to write.
When will I understand that?
——–
Abdominal aortic aneurysm.
I mumbled something back to my father when he told me not to worry about him but my fingers were on fire the minute we hung up, I couldn’t google those words fast enough.
- An aneurysm is an abnormal area of localized widening of a blood vessel.
- The aorta bulges at the site of an aneurysm like a weak spot on a worn tire.
My father has one in his abdomen.
It is the size of a baseball.
“The larger the aneurysm, the more likely it is to rupture and break open.”
Surgery is necessary and very risky.
He has been told that he will have to wait until the beginning of December before a 3 hour operation can take place.
He has been recommended for the less invasive of the two available surgeries.
We all have to wait.
Until December.
In my opinion, that is an awful form of torture.
I strung unfamiliar words together and created questions that I never imagined I’d be asking my father.
“Will it hurt if it ruptures? Did you ask the doctor that?”
I’m not sure what he answered with. I think it was something along the lines of death being almost eminent.
I wanted to know if it will hurt.
Of course I don’t want him to die but I accept that one day he will.
I wanted to know if it will hurt, if this aneurysm ruptures, will it be over quick or will he suffer?
At the end of my morning run today I imagined I was running on the road where I grew up, where my parents still live today.
I could see my parents house, my father becoming visible standing at the end of the driveway.
I could hear his booming claps and shouting words, encouraging more speed.
We slap each others hand as I begin to pass by and in that moment, when our hands make contact he collapses.
I broke down this morning, right there on the treadmill, my feet spread to either side of the zipping belt.
I stood there sobbing, my tears mixing with the sweat on my cheeks.
Loving my father in ways I only thought I knew.
The “real” of his situation settling on my heart finally.
I googled the question later on.
The answer bringing anger and more sadness then I was ready for.
The medical jargon and descriptive words made me sick.
I’m sorry Daddy, I know you’re reading this and probably shaking your head at me.
I had to google it because I had to know the answer.
I’m not sorry that I know, I’m just sorry that it could happen.
And that you might suffer.
I’m sorry about that.
Recently, I feel an overwhelming need to make you proud.
I know you say that I do and that I have…
but there’s so much more I want you to see me do.
So, when you tell me not to worry you are just wasting your words.
Because as I always have, I will worry.
Abdominal aortic aneurysm.
There are survivor stories all over the internet, from both ruptured aneurysms and the surgeries to repair it.
My father’s story is not over yet.
I love you Dad.
7 Responses to “Triple A”
Sugar Bear I love you very much. I have informed all my girls of the situation and all have said they want to kick a–. You asked about pain…the doctor said I would have strong to severe pain and then on to heaven. I think I will survive this battle as I have the others in my life. You can rest assured that if it is my time to go then I will always be watching over my family, I have told each of my beautiful girls tha if daddy does go you all will get a pinch on your butt to let you know that I'm there. But it's going to take a lot to take me away from my family and also I can't leave until I get my fill of all those wonderful desserts not to mention the various events that go on…..papa bear loves all those things….so I'll be there/here for a while yet. Your blog has touched my heart and thank you all for loving me even when I don't behave……..lol
Waiting for a medal procedure like this is so, so hard. I am thinking happy thoughts for you guys.
Oh my goodness. I haven't talked about this at all because my Dad asked me not to say anything (he doesn't read my blog but my Mom does and he really didn't want her to find out and try to contact him) but I got the EXACT same news about a month or so ago.. My Dad actually goes in for surgery next week for the less invasive one as well and waiting to get that surgery scheduled was stressful for us both. I can tell he's freaking out but trying to keep it together and when I got off the phone with him after he told me, I couldn't even talk. I just started crying. I will be on pins and needles the whole day of the surgery, just waiting to get the phone call that he is ok. This is one of those times where I can say I know exactly how you feel. Be strong. I'll be praying for you both
It's awful. I hope you have been able to talk to your husband at least. The stress of waiting has to be hard. I am not looking forward to it. What day next week is your Dads surgery? I will be thinking of you both.
I read this blog and it brought tears to my eyes then read it to John where we both had tears in our eyes. We will keep all of you in our prayers and in our hearts as I know the waiting will be hard on all of you.
I missed Dad's call this past week.. 11:32 am it said. I listened to it at 2:30ish. I wanted to talk to him right away but I couldn't..I cried for three hours.. memories.. thoughts.. anger..and then HOPE.. belief in a man as strong as our Daddy is. And I felt strong enough to return his call. But I missed him both times and tossed and turned all night waiting for the next day so I could hear his voice. We talked, we teased.. I listened. it hurts. I asked the same thing about him suffering. He answered honestly. I face the reality of the situation, but I don't feel that it's time for him to move on. The waiting, the thinking.. that will drive me buggy.. as you said Kerri, too late Dad we will worry as we always have. I love you very much Dad.. always. As people we prepare for the worst but as Dad himself is doing we have to believe that he can survive yet another hurdle. Our Daddy is one tough DUDE! My thoughts and best wishes are with loribug and her Dad.
I do have him which is definitely helpful but his Dad just went through his own health scare and subsequent surgery so it's been kind of sad around here. Luckily his Dad seems to be doing much better (he had two vertebrae removed from his back because he was in danger of becoming paralyzed and when he woke up from surgery he had no pain in his legs for the first time in years.). My Dad has surgery next Friday, first thing in the morning. I think he said he'll only be in the hospital over night and then he has six weeks of recovery. So I'm just trying to keep myself super busy this week so Friday will get here faster.