Five years ago I was still using the word shy to describe myself.

I could not run a mile in under 14 minutes and I was physically and mentally weak.

I relied on others opinions of me as a starting point to the way I saw myself.

Five years ago my biggest fear was making a first impression that left people staring at me in confusion.

I wondered obsessively about what people were thinking about me.

I focused on what they might be thinking about the way I talked, dressed, laughed, spoke and not at all on just being myself.

Opinions had a huge impact on the way I lived my life.

—

At a dirty 30 birthday party last night, someone no longer in their thirties reflected on how they felt when they had reached the milestone themselves.

“30 was when I had all my shit together, knew where I wanted to go in life, and had the skills to get me there”.

Some of us nodded in agreement and some disagreed with some of his points.

–

My 20′s were rough

but in between all the really hard lessons were the moments that I really began to learn about who I was, what I wanted, and realized the direction in which I needed to head towards.

I came into my own during my 20′s.

In the beginning were a few years of horribly wrong decisions but by the end I was trading them in for some of the best decisions of my life..so far anyway.

–

Turning 30 felt different.

I don’t believe I had any true reaction towards it.

I was where I had imagined I’d be and not where I had imagined I’d be at the same time.

I knew what I didn’t want but not so much what I wanted.

Sometimes I still feel like that.

–

I’m almost 4 years in to my thirties now and my age doesn’t embarrass me.

I am however, beginning to prefer people not know my age.

I would rather allow them to form their own opinion based on the way I carry myself.

Age doesn’t really serve as a marker of time anymore like when you’re growing up wishing to be 16, or 18, or 21.

People don’t form or at least they shouldn’t form immediate opinions based on your age alone and therefore I feel it is not a starting point in getting to know someone.

—-

What matters more now is simply how I see myself.

I am both physically and mentally strong.

I’m aspiring to things I know I will eventually reach. (writing goals, fitness goals, spiritual goals)

My biggest fear today is not being able to complete these goals before my time here is up.

The way I see myself is exactly how I have been portraying myself.

And you know what?

That feels great.

—-

Do I have my shit together? Yes

Do I have the skills necessary to get me there? Yes and I will continue to broaden them even more.

Do I know where I want to go? (in life) I have a general idea that comes with a panoramic view of where I don’t want to go serving as a map that will keep me on course.

—-

Others can think of me what they will and even use their opinions to create doubt and misguided direction.

I appreciate the concern that they believe their opinions might convey but it’s simply exhausting to even acknowledge them.

I’m going to be the one paying for the consequences anyway…so please just let me order what I want.