The sour note that January ended and February began on is still lurking around in the corners.
Having a place like a blog to write and record thoughts is helpful (a bit like therapy) but when the only words you have are sharp, releasing them onto the page and making them a reality is torture.
Until now I have chosen to say nothing at all but in an attempt to move forward I am.
My relationship with my husband is not something I write about often.
Opting to keep it mostly private is mainly due to his comfort level and my not wanting to rock the boat by pushing the issue.
I am for the most part okay with censoring certain aspects of our life because it’s important to keep some things “ours” but sometimes like recently I haven’t had the necessary outlet for my thoughts and ultimately that stresses me out.
Now that I probably made it sound like Darren and I are not okay let me continue by saying that we are okay.
January is full of days that have the kind of memories attached to them that seep from the cracks in our hearts.
Days that are filled with grief that only changes, never really lessens and is always kind of there.
This time around we didn’t face those days head on like the stubborn headed mules we normally are.
We sort of let them trample us and once defeated by them we attacked what was left, which was each other.
Not our best decision ever.
For a lot of days I was angry at him and convinced that his actions, behaviors, etc. were intended to make my life hell.
Then after arguments and round after round of horrible communication resentment showed up and we ran on empty emotions for awhile.
One morning after accusing and arguing with him about purposely taking the last of my bagels we finally started to talk a little sense and waiting it out was where we finally arrived.
We were being neglectful and careless.
We both want and need things from one another and it’s so much easier knowing exactly what.
Among other things he wishes me to be nicer and I want him to listen and really hear me.
Different things but with a result that we both still very much greatly wish for….
and that’s what we’re working on;
always working on.
It’s not easy though, waiting out the rough patches,
never knowing how different or the same things will feel once they smooth out again, it’s hard
but there are brighter days ahead….