It was quiet around here today.
Even the neighbors and the traffic were quieter then normal.
It was cold out and the boys (Jacek was home again with a fever still) were content cuddling on the couch while I cleaned.
Now that I think of it they got along easily today which was really nice.
Not knowing if Darren and I will be able to enjoy our anniversary out is stressing me out a little. If Jacek is still ill or if Aidan comes down with it, we’re probably not going to make it out.
The thought makes me sad and grumpy.
Of course I want the boys healthy but Mama needs a date with Daddy!
I’m also, of course, second guessing my keeping Jacek’s birthday party low key.
Maybe not second guessing as much as wanting to go B-I-G! and doing small instead.
I maybe spent too much time searching for cool Star Wars party ideas and am now thinking of how I can add some of them into his special day.
What I need to do is plan other people’s parties…because then I could go B-I-G on their dime.
25 days till race day. 25 days till race day. 25 days till race day.
Jacek still had a low grade fever when we put him to bed tonight.
He was acting and said he felt more like normal so I’m hopeful that the rest of the fever will resolve itself with some good rest.
He wants to go to school tomorrow but wasn’t terribly disappointed when I told him, probably not.
“I HAVE to go to school on Wednesday, because its a P.E. day!”
I’m sure tomorrow (if he does end up staying home) that there will be a lot of, “I’m going to school tomorrow, right?”
I sure will miss all the extra love I’ve been getting.
Back to normal we go I suppose.
This is how today started.
–
Inside my head everything is loud.
Even whispers sound mega-phoned to my almost certainly bleeding ears.
Dysfunctional I feel in this isolation of noise and I cover my ears with muting hopes.
Amplified squeals, chatter and echos continue with unremitting effort.
The cloud of confusion that shrouds my clarity costumes silly disturbances into catastrophic disasters.
“I wish you could understand how it feels to feel this way”, I grumble at my husband.
But I don’t really, I would never want him to know this.
–
My mood improved along with the day.
PMS is a real bitch sometimes.
It was snowing and the boys wanted to play outside but Jacek still had a fever.
He will stay home from school again tomorrow.
He’s bummed because tomorrow is P.E. day.
The poor kid just wants to run around without his Mama yelling at him to “Take it easy!”
His Mama only wants the same thing.
–This is how my day ended.–
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
please don’t take my sunshine away.
Writing a weekly family update post was something I always enjoyed.
If anything, it served as a reference of how quickly and consistently our little family changes and I miss seeing our growth in my words.
Someday I will get around to making my blog into a bunch of books that cost a ridiculous amount of money to purchase but that will be some day cool to point to and remark, “I blogged about it, wanna read it?” so I need to keep at it. Otherwise it will look like we just all of a sudden were older and I’ll have nothing documented in my words about the actual occurrence itself.
This is Saturday Share.
A post about us, what we’ve been up to and occasionally there will be pictures…probably…maybe.
Yesterday was Dr. Seuss’s birthday and Jacek’s school celebrated in all sorts of fun imaginative ways, including parading teachers in Dr. Seuss character costumes, inventive activities and I imagine snacks. Jacek was sick with a low grade fever and had to stay home. He cried intermittently through out the day whenever he remembered the fun he believed he was missing. Thinking it would help him put things into perspective I shared that I thought he should be happy because at least it wasn’t his birthday. He then spent the next several hours worrying that 10 days wasn’t long enough and that he could quite possibly still be sick on his birthday. Boy, I hope he’s wrong.
Jacek (checking his temperature) and his ever helpful assistant Aidan
Thursday was the first time in a long time Jacek has asked me to cuddle with him on the couch. That’s how I knew he was coming down with something. For the last few weeks he’s been anti-Mommy, enough so, that I broke down and asked him if I done something to upset him. My good-bye “all day hugs” stopped, my “welcome home” hugs disappeared and the amount of details I was receiving about his days was getting less and less.
That’s a hard thing for this Mama-mia. I knew it was coming but was not prepared for the “Whoop, there it is” of it all. There was no dwindling behavior change it was just BOOM! different and yes, I cried. I’m okay now. I’ve adapted (and the fact that I now know he’ll find me when he’s not feeling well makes it a tad easier to accept this momumental change in our dynamic).
Besides, I can now focus all my hugging and kissing on Aidan, if he lets me that is. He’s a turd and I mean that in the most endearing way possible. He does not like a huge amount of affection but he has the ability to give an amazing hug if he should feel so inclined. These hugs are full of all that is good and the best part, he holds on for so long. Being taught to stop being the first person to pull away when being hugged has been a much needed lesson. I now hold on just as tight and for as long as he does.
In the last few weeks Aidan has grown tremendously. We were working so hard on learning colors, counting to five, spelling his name, etc. and now he is just surprising me every day with how much he’s retaining.. We’ve been playing Candyland and Memory a lot! I only had 4 more matches then he did the last time we played Memory. I love it. He has mastered scissors and when I say mastered I mean, he knows enough to keep his fingers out of the way. He has become a conversationalist like his big brother. The stories he comes up with are hilarious and if you ask him to repeat the story you’ll be the lucky recipient of an “alterior ending” rendition.
Every day Jacek looks like he is waiting for the flood to come. He is growing like a weed and his pants are all at his ankles. I was buying new ones pretty regularly up till last month figuring we could wait till his birthday for more. I laugh every time I see him in his “high” pants. He always tells me it’s okay because his socks “cover the rest”.
Aidan belches like his mama and I laugh every time.
Darren and I are good, consumed with the normal day to day busy but good. His ankle is for the most part healed (he broke it about 7 weeks ago) and he’s back to punishing punks on the court.
We’ll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary this coming Thursday. Life gets so darn busy and complicated and crazy that the days rush by and leave you trying to catch your breath. It’s nice to have one day to celebrate what made all those crazy days possible. I am looking forward to it.
Exercise has become such an important part of my life.
Awhile back I was updating my stats pretty regularly on here, calling each post a Fitness Freak-show update but then stopped once the whole thing became routine.
That’s what exercise does if you do it regularly enough, becomes routine.
At some point in January, once I had decided that I would in fact make it down to Virginia to run the 1ok I searched online for a 10k training program.
Jeff Galloway’s 10k training program, which was for 13 weeks, seemed to fit my needs and wants best so I wrote it into my calendar.
The rest, choosing a cross training method and days off, came after.
Basically, it breaks down like this.
Monday & Wednesday – are timed run days (normally 30-45min)
Tuesday & Thursday – I cross train using Jillian Michaels No Trouble Zones DVD.
Fridays turned into rest days as the minutes and mileage has increased.
Saturdays – long run days , 6 – 7 miles
On January 28th I logged a 4 mile run in 48 minutes on Mapmyrun.com
This Wednesday I logged a 4 mile run in under 42 minutes. My pace has improved from a 12 minute mile to a 10:26 mile. This impresses me because sometimes it really doesn’t “feel” like I’m getting faster.
The fact that I have done all my training on a treadmill might have something to do with that. I can not stress how anxious I am to run outside, which I totally could if I wanted to be cold and wet, which I don’t.
The 10 day forecast shows a day or two of mid 50′s next week. I am trying to contain my excitement.
–
Yesterday I mentioned the 100 day burpee challenge that I have taken on.
The Rules:
1. Use proper burpee form (start standing, jump feet backward to plank, complete a good form push up, jump forward to squat position, jump up with feet completely off the ground)
2. You can complete each day’s burpees all at once, or broken up and done at different times throughout the day
3. If for some reason you miss a day, you have to make up all the missed burpees the following day
4. If you don’t start the challenge on the first day, you can “buy-in” at any time by doing ALL the missed days burpees on your first day
5. Any burpees you complete during your regular workout can count towards that day’s Challenge burpees, if you want them to.
6. Have fun doing burpees and getting stronger doing it!
CHECK OUT THIS WEBSITE FOR VIDEO AND more INFO
http://persephonemagazine.com/2012/01/2012-fitness-challenge-100-days-of-burpees/
Including the “test” one I did on the 29th, to see if I was even capable of doing one plus the 2 I did yesterday (only one counted because I forgot how to do them for the first one) I have now done 3.
Today is day #2 so I will be doing 2.
This is going to get difficult really quick.
I’m a little nervous about race week and allowing my legs enough rest while having to do burpees but I guess I’ll deal with it as it comes.
It really feels amazing being so active.
It honestly only makes me want to do more.
Like for instance, the Tough Mudder
(click on the picture to check out the website)
Yesterday while enjoying an extra 24 hours thanks to Leap Year I came to the realization that March is at the top of my favorite months list.
If you think about it, it’s really like a door filled hallway with a choice waiting to be made behind each door and each choice will lead me in a new direction.
It’s a fantastic month, a jumbled compilation; beginning with our wedding anniversary and Jaceks birthday, followed by the arrival of spring a week later.
Everything that feels heavy starts to shed its layers, sweaters find their way into storage and with the gentle push of the extended daylight hours I start to wake up.
There’s promise too, hopefully there still is anyway, of warmer weather.
For the better part of winter my focus has been on training for the Ukrops Monument Avenue 10k which takes place in Richmond, VA on March 31st.
When I looked at the calendar yesterday my stomach did a flip-flop when I realized I was a mere 4 weeks away the race.
I’ve been working hard and I’m feeling really strong. Yesterday I ran 4 miles in just under 42 minutes.
I want to keep track of my training on the blog for the next 4 weeks. I already use Mapmyrun.com. but I want to hold myself accountable here as well.
I’m also starting a 100 day Burpee Challenge today!
Burpee:
The burpee is a full body exercise used in strength training and as aerobic exercise. It is performed in four steps, and was originally known as a “four-count Burpee”:
- Begin in a standing position.
- Drop into a squat position with your hands on the ground. (count 1)
- Extend your feet back in one quick motion to assume the front plank position. (count 2)
- Return to the squat position in one quick motion. (count 3)
- Return to an upright standing position. (count 4) [1]
Ha ha. I’ll write more about that tomorrow.
Being excited about going to the gynecologist has got to be an early warning sign of psychosis.
The thought of having a morning filled with conversation that was mainly about me and how I was doing had me over the moon with anticipation though.
Seriously, my days are generally consumed with 20 second quips about superheros and why some are bad and good, talk about poop and pee, arguments over eating or lack there of, and loud noise that has the same exact effect on my brain that a jack hammer does on asphalt.
To get out of the house, child free, for just a few hours, to a gynecologist appointment, where “real” adult conversation would take place…was exactly what I needed today.
It was wonderful too.
Not only were my efforts to get physically fit acknowledged by the unfriendly object known as the office scale ( a 12 lb weight difference from last year) they were complimented on by my doctor when she first entered the exam room.
Who doesn’t like someone noticing the changes you’ve been working so hard towards and saying, “Wow, 12lbs. You look great. This is the lowest I’ve ever seen your weight.”
Then we talked about my goal for the 10k on March 31st.
My doctor was more excited that I was taking a trip sans children.
Seriously, her excitement for me was exactly what I needed to tune out the voice of the Mom-guilt monster.
There were discussions about reasons and possible remedies behind having and/or preventing hernias, PMS that sucks for 4 days straight and how I should encourage my husband to follow through on his vasectomy plans.
Adult conversation heaven and it was all about ME!
“You look great, everything looks great. Keep up the good work. See ya next year”, and I was done and out the door.
I then found myself at a clothing store fighting off the “You’re to old for that” monster and bought my first pair of skinny jeans along with an age appropriate top; for my trip to Virginia. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to wear them to the next story time at the library.
On my way home I cashed in a free latte roll the rim win and got an always age appropriate caramel latte from Tim Horton’s.
I got home with time to spare so I visited with my sister (who had watched Aidan) for a little bit.
Before I left, she handed me this, explaining that it was a flap attachment piece to the rug shampooer they gave to me a few months ago.
I studied it for a bit before speaking.
“Do you realize why this is so completely awesome?” I asked her
It occurred to her slowly.
“PUSH is my word for 2012″
We both laughed and wrinkled our foreheads in that, “things that make you go hmm” way.
“That’s awesome”, I said on my way out. “I love when things like that just happen”.
“Live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and you connect with the field of infinite possibilities”
Deepak Chopra
Life is always surprising me.
In those, “are you serious?” spoken out loud with a look of complete shock on my face ways.
For example, I received a really unexpected message from a disconnected friend a few weeks back. A message, simple enough in its contents, but that reopened a story I realize is not finished. I am happy to realize that.
It’s also in little things, for instance, so far “being nicer” is not so “rolling of the eyes” dreadful as it felt when requested of me.
I even want to do more. Nice things. More often. because I see the affects of it in others and in myself.
It’s nice.
Then tonight while stopping by on my lurk mobile at a personal blog page of a person I secretly adore (I promise not in a stalker kind of way) I clicked on a link she provided to her sisters personal blog page and once on her sister’s page, started reading some of her posts.
Then things started to look and sound a little familiar which is when I realized that she is the mother of one of the boys in Jacek’s kindergarten class. And of course it just happens to be one of the little boys that I secretly adore. He, which if I lost you, turns out to be the nephew of the original person I secretly adore.
Little surprises like that…leave me speechless and saying “are you serious?” at the same time.
It’s both awesome and kind of totally weird at the same time.
Let’s not forget my Daddy who in fact called me to today and informed me that he is feeling and doing really well.
His latest surgery (which I swear must be like his 20th one) was to repair a Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm.
According to Web MD, his chances were not all that great but he’s like this freakish super hero of a Daddy who keeps coming back to remind us:
1.) life isn’t a guarantee,
2.) to cherish EVERYTHING while we have it rather then wishing we had once it’s gone
3.) to get your a$$ in gear and make it matter
I’ve seen him mere moments away from hopping on a rustic red painted Farmall tractor on his way to mow the golden wheat fields of Heaven
only to turn and head back to his girls just so he can remind us and show us how it’s done….again.
Personally, I keep forgetting those three things on purpose. (So he stays around a little longer to remind me)
–
When I returned my Aldi cart today I didn’t hook it up to the rest. I left it instead so that the next person wouldn’t have to deposit a quarter in order to take it.
It’s not a big surprise by any means but for someone, maybe it was just enough.
The sour note that January ended and February began on is still lurking around in the corners.
Having a place like a blog to write and record thoughts is helpful (a bit like therapy) but when the only words you have are sharp, releasing them onto the page and making them a reality is torture.
Until now I have chosen to say nothing at all but in an attempt to move forward I am.
My relationship with my husband is not something I write about often.
Opting to keep it mostly private is mainly due to his comfort level and my not wanting to rock the boat by pushing the issue.
I am for the most part okay with censoring certain aspects of our life because it’s important to keep some things “ours” but sometimes like recently I haven’t had the necessary outlet for my thoughts and ultimately that stresses me out.
Now that I probably made it sound like Darren and I are not okay let me continue by saying that we are okay.
January is full of days that have the kind of memories attached to them that seep from the cracks in our hearts.
Days that are filled with grief that only changes, never really lessens and is always kind of there.
This time around we didn’t face those days head on like the stubborn headed mules we normally are.
We sort of let them trample us and once defeated by them we attacked what was left, which was each other.
Not our best decision ever.
For a lot of days I was angry at him and convinced that his actions, behaviors, etc. were intended to make my life hell.
Then after arguments and round after round of horrible communication resentment showed up and we ran on empty emotions for awhile.
One morning after accusing and arguing with him about purposely taking the last of my bagels we finally started to talk a little sense and waiting it out was where we finally arrived.
We were being neglectful and careless.
We both want and need things from one another and it’s so much easier knowing exactly what.
Among other things he wishes me to be nicer and I want him to listen and really hear me.
Different things but with a result that we both still very much greatly wish for….
and that’s what we’re working on;
always working on.
It’s not easy though, waiting out the rough patches,
never knowing how different or the same things will feel once they smooth out again, it’s hard
but there are brighter days ahead….
I’m in search of my excuse book.
Has anyone seen it?
All I need is a simple answer to; Why do I continue to let my little home at kerrisklutter.com be dusty and unkempt?
My domain name at Godaddy.com was set to expire in 12 days and I only just today considered renewing it.
I’m not sure exactly what my other options were going to be. I shudder at the thought. No klutter?
Today I did renew it so I guess that means I still like it here
or something.
Maybe I should clean things up ‘er klutter things up then?
-
My training, for a 10k in Richmond, VA on March 31st has been consuming most of my mornings and two afternoons a week.
In the beginning of January I didn’t know I would participating in the race but I started then, sharing my morning with exercise.
It can be tough, sharing those wee hours with her(exercise) and not it(my pillow) but sometimes it is actually easy, (shh, don’t tell her I said that).
On the days I don’t run I’m cross training by way of a Jillian Michaels DVD or Zumba on the Wii in the afternoons.
I’ve become a very sweaty girl in the last month.
There’s been several mornings when I’ve tried to convince my sweat that I don’t need to take a shower until after I get back from my morning job.
The sweat always wins, thank goodness, and I quickly remember why I am grateful for those early morning showers.
I delight in every single 7 quiet and uninterrupted minutes.
It was a good start to the year for me, January was.
It was good, not great.
It wasn’t bad (I didn’t break any bones) but it could have been better.
I could have been better.
There’s always room to be better.
When hubby works late it’s just me dishing up dinner plates and sitting down at the table with the boys.
It’s just me reminding the boys to eat and not to drink all their milk before they are even done with their first bite of “real” food.
At least 50 times of reminding them to eat and 30 minutes later, dinner is done.
It’s just me afterwards, wiping faces and hands, clearing the table, rinsing the dishes, putting away dishes and empty containers and wiping down the table.
I gave up wiping down the table. I don’t really care enough that it might be sticky.
Morning comes quick enough.
It’s only me barking out the orders, tossing empty threats around and considering plea bargains.
It’s just me helping with pajamas, tidying up rooms, turning down beds and setting out toothbrushes and rinse cups.
It’s exhausting yielding all the boys inquiries alone, being the only one around to “hey look at this” and being both bad cop and good cop.
Bed time is quieter then when Daddy is home too, there is no wrestle or rough time.
It’s just me with a video, or a game or some books.
Only I say good nights, sleep tight, see you in the morning light
and try to sneak away before more questions arise or stories to tell get remembered.
Then the house is quiet and I sit somewhere hoping they both stay in bed and don’t come looking for me.
Isn’t that just terrible?
When it’s only me I can’t hide in the bathroom for very long.
They always look there first.
