Having a place like a blog to write and record thoughts is helpful (a bit like therapy) but when the only words you have are sharp, releasing them onto the page and making them a reality is torture.

Until now I have chosen to say nothing at all but in an attempt to move forward I am.

My relationship with my husband is not something I write about often.

Opting to keep it mostly private is mainly due to his comfort level and my not wanting to rock the boat by pushing the issue.

I am for the most part okay with censoring certain aspects of our life because it’s important to keep some things “ours” but sometimes like recently I haven’t had the necessary outlet for my thoughts and ultimately that stresses me out.

Now that I probably made it sound like Darren and I are not okay let me continue by saying that we are okay.

January is full of days that have the kind of memories attached to them that seep from the cracks in our hearts.

Days that are filled with grief that only changes, never really lessens and is always kind of there.

This time around we didn’t face those days head on like the stubborn headed mules we normally are.

We sort of let them trample us and once defeated by them we attacked what was left, which was each other.

Not our best decision ever.

For a lot of days I was angry at him and convinced that his actions, behaviors, etc. were intended to make my life hell.

Then after arguments and round after round of horrible communication resentment showed up and we ran on empty emotions for awhile.

One morning after accusing and arguing with him about purposely taking the last of my bagels we finally started to talk a little sense and waiting it out was where we finally arrived.

We were being neglectful and careless.

We both want and need things from one another and it’s so much easier knowing exactly what.

Among other things he wishes me to be nicer and I want him to listen and really hear me.

Different things but with a result that we both still very much greatly wish for….

and that’s what we’re working on;

always working on.

It’s not easy though, waiting  out the rough patches,

never knowing how different or the same things will feel once they smooth out again, it’s hard

but there are brighter days ahead….

Has anyone seen it?

All I need is a simple answer to; Why do I continue to let my little home at kerrisklutter.com be dusty and unkempt?

My domain name at Godaddy.com was set to expire in 12 days and I only just today considered renewing it.

I’m not sure exactly what my other options were going to be.  I shudder at the thought.  No klutter?

Today I did renew it so I guess that means I still like it here

or something.

Maybe I should clean things up ‘er klutter things up then?

-

My training, for a 10k in Richmond, VA on March 31st has been consuming most of my mornings and two afternoons a week.

In the beginning of January I didn’t know I would participating in the race but I started then, sharing my morning with exercise.

It can be tough, sharing those wee hours with her(exercise) and not it(my pillow) but sometimes it is actually easy, (shh, don’t tell her I said that).

On the days I don’t run I’m cross training by way of a Jillian Michaels DVD or Zumba on the Wii in the afternoons.

I’ve become a very sweaty girl in the last month.

There’s been several mornings when I’ve tried to convince my sweat that I don’t need to take a shower until after I get back from my morning job.

The sweat always wins, thank goodness, and I quickly remember why I am grateful for those early morning showers.

I delight in every single 7 quiet and uninterrupted minutes.

It was a good start to the year for me, January was.

It was good, not great.

It wasn’t bad (I didn’t break any bones) but it could have been better.

I could have been better.

There’s always room to be better.

It’s just me reminding the boys to eat and not to drink all their milk before they are even done with their first bite of “real” food.

At least 50 times of reminding them to eat and 30 minutes later, dinner is done.

It’s just me afterwards, wiping faces and hands, clearing the table, rinsing the dishes, putting away dishes and empty containers and wiping down the table.

I gave up wiping down the table.  I don’t really care enough that it might be sticky.

Morning comes quick enough.

It’s only me barking out the orders, tossing empty threats around and considering plea bargains.

It’s just me helping with pajamas, tidying up rooms, turning down beds and setting out toothbrushes and rinse cups.

It’s exhausting yielding all the boys inquiries alone, being the only one around to “hey look at this” and being both bad cop and good cop.

Bed time is quieter then when Daddy is home too, there is no wrestle or rough time.

It’s just me with a video, or a game or some books.

Only I say good nights, sleep tight, see you in the morning light

and try to sneak away before more questions arise or stories to tell get remembered.

Then the house is quiet and I sit somewhere hoping they both stay in bed and don’t come looking for me.

Isn’t that just terrible?

When it’s only me I can’t hide in the bathroom for very long.

They always look there first.

The winds won.

It’s the largest tree we had in our backyard.

It shaded our boys while they played on their play-set.

I loved to sit and watch the birds fly up and in and around.

I wonder what the backyard will be like come spring.

Not the same I’m sure.

It’s a funny thing to take note of, the first time all four of us got sick at the same time, but it was monumental enough for me to at least realize it.

It was actually Aidan’s first time ever being sick-sick.

There was an adjustment period to us all being sick at the same time because there was no one able to designate themselves as the “taker care of” person and each one of us has a different need when it comes to be taking care of when we’re sick.

We all just did what we could, which was mainly laying still and moaning.

It was a little bit of learning experience too.  Knowing how bad I felt and then watching Aidan and Jacek go through the same thing was difficult.

As silly as it may sound it made me imagine families receiving much worse news then “He has a stomach virus it will pass in 1-3 days”.

It made me terribly sad and thankful that while we were splitting in two from dehydration we would get better and much sooner then later or never.

While your in the moment of being sick though that day when you’ll be feeling better tends to feel like weeks away.

Thankfully for us it was only about 4 days.

So, yes we are the mend and I wouldn’t mind a reprieve of say, 6-8 months before having to clean up “messes” that don’t belong to me.

We’re not talking toys here people.  So gross.

Stay healthy….

Surprisingly but not really, he said almost nothing as he performed the exam and when finished whacked me in the chin with the fancy medical machine “on accident” and barely managed to mumble an apology.

I’m not a conversationalist myself but if you’re in a profession where it’s super important to discuss things with say, your patients,and you just don’t, well in my opinion you kinda FAIL at a huge part of your  job description.

He had never even introduced himself to me.

Sitting at the second of two chairs that had been squeezed into the room I caught him sweep his finger across his smartphone and read the message contained in the text bubble on the screen never once trying to conceal what he was doing from me, most likely because he felt it was perfectly okay.

Sitting silent and waiting for further instruction from him, the doctor, I busied myself with thoughts.

I battled the voice in my head, trying to convince it that the awful boozy smell wafting around the room was just his poor choice in cheap aftershave.

He fussed with the papers in my file.

Time crawled and awkwardness crept in, filling in the remaining pockets of air.

With 4 fingers to go on the “let’s see how many words he utters to me” hand survey that I was secretly conducting he mumbled something to me as he headed for the door.

Not understanding if his mumbling was directed at me or just an incoherent mutter I stayed in the exam chair with an eyebrow raised in confusion until he motioned to me like we were partners in a game of charades.

I stood and followed on his heels as he led me across the hall to an empty desk where he left me with an eye roll that not even a teenaged girl could pull of with such flair.

–

Now I’m not one to openly complain about poor customer service while out in public or at least I never used to be.  I’m more the wait instead type, till I’m safe in the confines of my home.  Once out of the public eye I’ll write an email to someone “higher up” or it most cases do nothing at all except vent about it, relentlessly, to the miserable pleasure of those closest to me.

Apparently being blown away by someones complete lack of professionalism causes me to do funny things because when a woman returned to the desk I had been discarded at I immediately questioned her if the doctor I had just been examined by was in fact a real doctor then launched into a full fledged complaint driven rant.

There were no looks of surprise or gasps of shock, only her head nodding in agreement.

The fact that see seemed bored by my tyrant only made me burn hotter.

Her laughter joined in with mine, once I’d cooled to a simmer and we moved on and past the spectacle.

Then the exam door opened with a loud click and all of a sudden he was a real doctor.

–

With a welcoming smile that seemed a bit rehearsed yet genuine he greeted me as if it was our first meeting.

His manners were professionally curt and he spoke using full precise and intelligible sentences.

He closed the door behind us and although we were in the very same tiny closet exam room it felt as if the walls had been expanded and we had ample room to stretch and become comfortable.

Seconds before I convinced myself that the behavior of this “doctor” mere minutes before must have been due to exaggeration on my part I heard a female voice begin to cackle.

I glanced his way.  He sat straighter then before, his smart phone dark and no where near him and while he still smelled sickeningly  sweet he acted sober and attentive.

The cackling came again so loud it seemed she might be sitting in the very same room with us.

He finished up the paperwork, personally escorted me out to the front desk, wished me a good rest of the day and made his way back towards the exam room where he paused for a second

before closing the paper thin door behind him.

He was the last one from his bunch and for a reason unbeknownst to him, he was being neglected.

Oh he was being touched, most days several times as he found himself on several different objects in and around the kitchen; on top of the cupboard, on the counter near the Keurig, on top of the toaster oven, etc. but no one would eat him.

He was becoming sick with worry.

What would be his fate?

Then came a chilly dark night and a woman in a fuzzy dark robe.

“Anyone want to make mini banana muffins?” she hollered all through out the house

And to the lonely almost completely over ripe bananas delight came a brilliant shrilling sound….

two small voices, in unison calling back, “YESSSSSSSSS we do.”

And so became a recipe – created, baked and enjoyed by the wonderful family who knew just what to do with the lonely pathetic looking banana!

One Banana – Mini Banana Muffins

**Find helpers with little hands to fetch all the following**

Ingredients:

1 (pathetic looking) large (almost over ripe) banana

1 egg (beat lightly) mixed with Almond-vanilla Milk (tasted amazing!) to make 1 cup ( or use regular milk if you need)

1 stick (1/2 cup) – softened butter

1 tsp (plus a little) vanilla

1 1/2 cup flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp Baking S-o-d-a

–

Oven to 350

Spray mini muffin pans with cooking spray

Plop everything into one bowl.  Squish and mush and mix until lumps are gone or close to it.

Fill muffin pans

Bake time for mini muffins was between 8-10 minutes

You can certainly make normal size muffins or a bread but bake time will vary

Recipe yields: 3 1/2 dozen mini’s

–

Find same helpers as above to feed warm muffins too

Watch and smile in delight as they squeal and beg for “just 1 more!!”

–

And everyone lived happily ever after

(with no more pathetic looking bananas in sight)

–

The end.

She knows me well, this Bobbi girl, who to me is like the lost puzzle piece that got left out of the box but that I always manage to find when I’m exactly ready for it.

No matter how long its been since the last time I put the puzzle together it fits effortlessly into its spot every. time.  It’s kinda neat.

Friends like her are impossible to replicate especially now that I am in my mid-thirties.  To even begin to try I would have to meet someone and “get to know them” over the course of the next 28 years.  Our lives have been on the weaving wheel for that long.

Although we began on the same waiting platform we have chosen entirely different paths.  That is what makes us grand.

Our differences make us one complete person almost, okay well sometimes they also make us pull each others hair out, but she often gives me food for thought and I am most grateful for that.

It’s good…to have her..it’s good.

She questioned, posted through Facebook;

I want to be excited.  Tell me your “What gets you excited?”

Hmmm.

Did she mean, that rush that comes with getting or trying something new?

the rush of butterflies in your tummy (like the ones from your first kiss) when your feelings are so intense and so confused on where to go that they all end up tickling your insides?

or like jump up and down yippy excited?

No matter how you look at it, I think she means the stuff that feels so good that it when it fades you’re left feeling a little stale on the inside.

We are 10 days in to a new year, a new slate, blank page, what’s not to be excited about?

…new diets, exercises, motivation that seems remarkable, goals written on paper, foods to try, places to go, opportunity that rocks your world and magical words chosen to inflate us when we start to drift toward the slump of “crap, I don’t wanna”..

Eventually, sadly enough,and a lot sooner then we all wish, the initial rush of excitement always wains.

Then what are you to do?

I find ways to replicate it.

–

My, what got you started, is simpler then simple.

Fear.

The day the blood pressure monitor bleeped out 203/117  was the day fear became my motivator.

I never ran the mile in gym class at school.  I always walked it.  In fact, I hated running but after seeing those numbers I was scared enough to make promises I (secretly) didn’t feel capable of  keeping.

After 8 months I completed my first ever 5k race.  It was like discovering a secret super power I never knew I had.

This past June I found myself across the finish line at my 3rd 5k, in the best shape of my LIFE with so much support from family and friends that I felt those butterflies.

Two years later, the initial excitement is still there but it has turned into something else.

Now I get excited because it’s no longer a matter of can I do it but when will I do it?

Lately, my excited comes in all different forms.

What will I get in the mail or eat for dinner or write tomorrow?

What new connections might I make at work on Saturday?

What will I look like or feel like when summer arrives?

What Luna bar will I eat after my run?

Will I travel to Virginia to run my first 10k, with a friend that is my favorite piece of the puzzle?

That’s the primer coat of my life right now.

Possibility.

What gets you excited?

Actually, I don’t know if that’s true but maybe.

It was during Christmas break and I was busy getting ready to go somewhere with the family.

They, the family, were just beyond the bathroom, in which I had blissfully gotten to myself for more then just five minutes.

They, the same family as mentioned before, were being loud but really, they always are unless it’s bedtime and then they are quiet and I’m in my office staring at my laptop screen fighting off brain-mush (yes, it’s a real thing, trust me).

Anyway, I was getting ready and thinking about the impending NEW YEAR looming a head of me.

For the two previous years I had adapted the 3-6-5 List along with a “WORD” for the year.

Kind of like a mantra only, it’s just a single word.

In 2010 my word was Journey.  Intended was the growth and passion for living, for writing, for being a Mom, for getting to know myself, for opening up doors or climbing through windows of opportunity, addressing health concerns and I had planned on enjoying the ride…and you know what?, I really did.   2010 really served as the gateway for this here Klutter and gave me insight into who I had become AND who I aspire to be still.  I started things in 2010 that I’m still doing today. I formed habits that became every day normality.

Towards the end of  2010 I went through a bunch of medical “stuff” and as 2011 approached I was ready to feel like and get back to the me I had discovered in the beginning of 2010.

Rejuvenation was my word for 2011.  I got physically fit and focused on taking care of and maintaining myself.  Not only did I find balance but more importantly I pinpointed exactly what I need to create balance in my life.  This was huge and hearing my doctors tell me I have the health stats of a 20 year old was the icing on the cake.

Now, in 2012 I’m feeling a little bored.  At the end of last year I got away from all the physical activity I was doing.  Seems I have a trend for slacking off the last couple of months of the year.  I have big changes coming my way this year.  To be honest, I’m a little scared and apprehensive but I’m ready for it.

What I realized though, that busy day in the bathroom, was that I was going to need a PUSH.  A PUSH physically, to set bigger goals, like completing a 10k in under an hour or a PUSH mentally to find the confidence to put myself out there and take classes, volunteer, earn extra income, etc.

My word for 2012 is PUSH… I am applying it to everything that comes my way or that I want to see happen; monetary, educationally, spiritually, generosity, writing, exercise, setting goals, treating myself, loving others, living, etc.

Go big or go home!

P U S H!!!

What is your “word” for 2012?

Have you ever heard of a 365 list?

It’s a general list of goals rather then resolutions…things I hope to accomplish but won’t be devastatingly disappointed in myself if I should not accomplish them.

Things to work on, things to TRY, things to eliminate……

I ran across it online a few years ago and this will be my third year putting one together.

Weird though I can’t find anything even close to it online at last Google.

Here’s what to do.

Find a quiet place to think ahead, to the next day, into the weeks ahead of you and of the months full of possibility….

then write down:

3 things you’d like to work on

6 things you hope to do

5 things you would like to get rid of

Keep the list somewhere you can access it when you need a boost, some direction or a reminder of what you said you’d like to do with your year.

Then try.

Be kind, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t find lines drawn through every single thing come December 31, 2011…

“You haven’t failed until you stop trying”

My list from 2011 list is first so I could see how I’ve done.

List for 2011

3 things to work on this year

1. Fitness; daily exercise, weekly stretching, TONE UP
2. Deflecting negativity  I did okay with this until late 2011
3. Balance  Here’s a link;  to what I need for my life to feel balanced.  I continue to come back to it for gentle reminders.

6 Things I want to do this year

1. Take our 2nd annual summer vacation.
2. Run 2 5k’s or 1 5k and 1 10k. I ran 2 5k’s, 1 XC 5k and walked a 5k for Breast Cancer Research
3. Enroll and begin a few online classes
4. Find a babysitter for the boys that is not a family member
5. Take a ME-cation; a small trip either by myself or with a friend Went to visit Bobbi in Virginia
6. Attend a meditation workshop

5 Things to get rid of this year

1. Our oven
2. Our old decrepit hot water tank
3. The wall between our bedroom now and the playroom now: MASTER BEDROOM TIME
4. An annoying creditor – pay off and say buh bye Half way there
5. Clutter in the attic, stuff to sell; old laptop, old camera, cell phone, etc.  The mentioned laptop and camera are still up there but everything is organized.  (I know where everything is and there is walking room)

My new list for 2012

3 things to work on this year

1.  My writing (reading, research, poetry, short stories, etc. work at it and PUSH MYSELF to put more of myself in to it)

2.  Patience

3.  Being Nice. Helping others. Doing good. (Volunteer)

6 Things I want to do this year

1.  Take a family vacation

2.  Run 4 races including 2 5k’s under 30 minutes.  PUSH MYSELF to get there and go beyond.

3.  Finish our master bedroom and the boys bathroom

4.  Travel to Missouri to visit Angie

5.  Once a month dates with each of my boys separately, including hubby.  That’s 3 dates a month for me if this happens.

6.  Come up with a plan of action for (what I want to do) when Aidan starts school full day in the fall.

5 Things to get rid of this year

1.  Our seriously deteriorating hot water tank, seriously.

2.  The Plymouth Breeze (and if dreams should come true, the Kia van too)

3.  Clutter in my inbox, time to unsubscribe from all the non-important stress causers

4.  All the extra worry I bring on myself

5.  My underwear.  Time for an underwear drawer makeover!  PUSH MYSELF to treat myself every now and then

Wishing everyone a safe, happy and healthy 2012.

May you accomplish your goals, aspire to betterment and hold your loved ones nice and tight.

~